I shook my head no. All I wanted was to go home. I began to feel scared. I didn’t know what to do. If I just decided that I wanted to leave, how would I get home? I felt trapped. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to, would that mean he would just kick me out onto the street? I felt incredibly stupid.
How could I have been so blind? No man ever just wanted to be “friends”. Not after he’s spent the whole night talking to just you. Not after he’s bought you drinks and been so kind. Only a woman ever thinks these gestures are purely “friendly”.
I removed my “rose-colored” glasses and looked at him now. He was in his mid-thirties, a bit chubby, very pale—I had never once during that night even considered being attracted to him. I just thought he was cool. Now as he moved toward me and began to touch my body, I felt such incredible repulsion.
My body went cold. All I could think about was the cab ride home as he undressed me without a word. All I could think about was the cab ride home as he forced himself on me.
All I could think about was the cab ride home as I watched myself in the mirror, wanting to explode and wanting to disappear at the same time. I wondered if after all this, he would still throw me out on the street. He could have.
But he didn’t. After he finished, he picked up the phone and dialed the cab. Then he tossed me a $100 bill and I left in silence. I remained silent all the way home and didn’t even wait for change when the cab stopped. When I got to my front door I realized I didn’t have the key, and that was when I broke down completely. I felt desperate, used, disgusting, stupid and dirty. So, so dirty. I had to get inside somewhere safe, and get clean.
I just wanted to see someone I knew; someone that I trusted. After ten minutes of knocking on the door with no answer, I walked down the street to a friend’s house, utterly distraught.
As I knocked on her door, she answered, puzzled that I would be knocking at such an odd hour, but when she saw my face, immediately became alarmed. I spilled the night’s events to her in a fit of tears and asked her if I could please take a shower. She told me I could and that I could stay as long as I needed to.
As I stood in the shower I became overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do. Could I really go to the police and turn him in for rape? Most police officers, being male, after hearing my explanation of the situation would have come to the conclusion that I had given consent.
I never verbally consented, but I was young and he took advantage of that fact. He took advantage of my trust. He had trapped me.
If I had been 17, I would have been able to make a case against him, but being 18 and under age in a club, I felt like the deck was stacked against me. As I slid to the bottom of the shower, I wrapped my arms around my knees and let the water pour over me. I watched it whirl into the mouth of the drain and wished that it could swallow me too.