A 20 yr old black man recently wrote a confessional article called Confessions Of a Former Self Hating Black Man who Used to Bash Black women on Social Media.
I read his whole article! It was a poignant piece that had me thinking well at least he was slightly real about it. The truth is I wasn’t ready to do cartwheels over the fact that a black man told the truth about how he preferred white women and how much he did not like black women for this and that excuse. He explains his self hate with the following:
What exactly is a self-hating black man? A self-hating black man can be a lot of different things but for me it was a man who was not fully comfortable in his blackness and as result directed his feelings into other things in order to compensate.
For me to reach the point that I am at now where I am able to label my former self as a self-hater has not been easy but through thinking back on my former thought process and actions It’s a conclusion that I found I cannot escape.
As a result of this I had a very diverse group of friends but when it came down to it my closest friends were all black males like me.
The backgrounds of my friends were were as diverse as the city I grew up I. Some were from the “hood”, while others were from the best neighborhoods in town. Despite our socioeconomic differences we all had one thing in common. We were all interested in white girls.
I suppose my lack of excitement comes from the fact that while black men do suffer from some self hate, there is more to it than that.
You see it is highly possible that you (the black brother) and I (the black sister) can come from the same household, same economic status, have the same black mother and black father and you like white girls while I am steady checking out all your black friends.
So what is it that was so bad about the black girl that many of our guys cannot get past? How can you hate the very ideals that you accepted within your own friends but hated about the women that looked like you? That gave birth to you and put up with your dumb a**?
To me most black women represented everything that I didn’t want in a woman. I felt that most were too loud, too argumentative, had too much attitude, and were too much to handle.
I believed these things despite being raised by and around black women who represented absolutely none of these things. I simply saw my mother and other female family members as exceptions to my generalization so they didn’t count.
Self hate is one thing but there are other things to consider as well. For one some black men are very caught up in what their friends are doing, sometimes it isn’t about the white girl or the black girl, but the validation from friends and social circles that mean the most.
Some black men find it hard to go against the grain, do something different from the pack for fear that they might be looked down up on and not seen as ‘god’ as he mentioned in the piece.
Hating your black sister is one thing, but the love you have for your ‘boys’ is more of an interesting concept to look at. You see you will always come to the realization that the black woman is not something you should hate because she is like you, she spawned you! Running away from it is like running in a really big circle that will eventually lead you back home.
We are not saying you cannot have the white girl with the white picket fence and curly haired babies, you can absolutely do that. What we are saying you do not have to put a white girl on a pedestal and step on your black sister all at the same time.
In contrast to black women, white women and women of other races represented everything that black women weren’t. They were beautiful, agreeable, adventurous, easy to handle, and most importantly possessed the genetic code that I wanted for my future children.
When I thought of my future I would often picture a big house, nice cars and a white wife along with 2 mixed children that had “good hair”. I felt that if I could achieve this I would have it all. This is the part of my journey where I am able to look back on and pinpoint clear self-hate.
I continued to put white and other non-black women above black women until I entered college. It was during this time that everything changed.
I currently attend one of the largest pwi’s (predominately white institutions) in the south. To a certain extent the school is socially segregated. From day one it was very clear that the white kids hung out with each other while the few black students at the school hung out with each other. This was no problem to me since all my friends growing up had always been black.
The only issue I had was that I no longer had easy access to the non-black women that I desired. I was forced into a tight knit black community and forced to adapt and “deal” with black women and all the negative attributes that I felt that they possessed.
I refuse to believe that a black man just doesn’t ‘see me!’ That he cannot discern that I am just as beautiful as any other woman from any other race.
That he can look at all those curves and think about his “sister, mother or cousin”. Give me a break! I believe it is all a choice, you make the choice on where to place your value. Every time you bash a black woman on social media it is a choice and a way to get brownie points from other dudes.
For instance do you think because I might be attracted to black men that for one second I do not see the attractiveness in a white, Hispanic or Asian man? We see them too – Trust and believe we see them too! Many of us are mature enough to show appreciation for all races but still add value to the black man as well.
So what really helped this guy to change you ask?
My awakening occurred around the time when the Mike Brown shooting and other police shootings of unarmed black men occurred.
As these events unfolded all the negative feelings and disinterest I had in black women immediately disappeared as I saw them scramble to organize demonstrations and rallies on behalf of black men being killed by the police. This was awe inspiring and life changing for me.In my experiences with dealing with women from other races I never saw any other group of women who were so for their men as black women are for black men.
In realizing this, I realized that I share the same blood line with such passionate, ambitious, and devoted women. To come to the realization that as a black man I am directly associated with such greatness that is the black women completely changed me.
My interest in women of other races quickly went away after coming to this realization. I now find it embarrassing to even think back on the things I tweeted or said about black women that I once thought were so funny.
Well kudos to you for growing up, glad it took the death of a black man for you to finally see that sometimes it is the ones you hate the most that will always have your back.
Lets just say the comment section of his article were not at all sympathetic, black women told him directly that he can save his ‘changes’ and ‘realizations’.
I even said I was not doing cartwheels either, I suppose he did not expect a medal or anything. This is more than self hate this is about a value system that comes from silly male comradery. News flash you always liked black girls you just didn’t want your dumb friends to know about it! Now that’s keeping it real!
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